Thank you for electing Donald Trump as your new president. You’ve saved me a few sleepless nights where I might have been contemplating returning to the land of my birth. I hadn’t really considered it too hard (all the bullets flying every which way and all) but there is a lot that’s great about the USA, and it is tempting. Now, I’ve reconsidered.
Oh, wait. I forget too easily. The USA is a shithole. Don Trump says so, or at least he implies. He’s going to make it great again, as in once more. Meaning: it's fucked up now. He's going to restore its former glory and make sure no one goes without (offer not valid where prohibited by discrimination or by presidential decree.) He’s going to make sure you never have a negative thought about him.
Meanwhile, he’s got a long row to hoe. Speaking of hoes, did you hear the one about… oh never mind. This is a G rated rant. But seriously, D. Trump has a lot of work ahead of him. If he follows through on his promises, a lot of concrete contractors are going to get rich, and Muslims in the UStates will have nothing to fear except fear itself, the signup stations, and the hairy orange armbands. Can I get petition to go with my latte?
The United States of America has great freeways. They’re wide, well-marked, and easy to navigate. The USA has the best technological toys ever to be made in Japan. The US has great movies. I love me a good action flick where Gerard Butler (whatta hunk!!) kicks ass on the biggest bad-time gangsters, kicks them splat into a big concrete wall (paid for by Mexico), lets them drip dark red into a dumpster.
Oops, Gerard is Scottish, not a true US blood. No matter. My point is that the United States has a lot to offer. It has diversity, brains, know-how, can-do, Wal-Mart, glorious mountains, rigged elections (they say), Oregon beaches, long Louisiana bayous, jazz music, toe-tapping senators, holy mosaic rollers, superb artists (I know a few!), and the loveliest street preachers. The USA can make a terrorist kneel before the altar of market-cap and buy-back options.
But it won’t. Now that Donald T is the glorious president, expect an isolationist view (bombs not included). Must expel and remain compelled to bigotry. Must not look in the mirror. Must not look in the mirror. Must divide and devise new ways to keep farmers, shopkeepers, the unemployed, the uneducated (gotta love em!), the religious bakers, the power-hungry, and the average, everyday American Joe who knows in his heart of hearts that the message of Donald J. Trump, the freshest commander-in-chief, is utter bullshit, but has nowhere else to turn, from looking behind the curtain.
Who can blame them? It’s hard to look in the mirror, mirror. But now that you, the Absolute Authority of the North American States United in Bigotry, have elected as your supreme leader, Señor Donald J. Trump, please allow me to offer my congratulations.
You have won! Gold cup to you! A leader such as Trump is nothing without the people who vote for him. You have demonstrated your loyalty. I guess I will stand outside my new home and chuckle at your inability to comprehend the new world of people from other parts. Wave goodbye you grand collection of 50 states! It was nice knowing ya! Goodbye Columbus, goodbye Galileo, goodbye Steve Jobs, goodbye Martin Luther King. I was proud to be a small part of your discoveries, your observations, and your spirits. Goodbye.
Victor D. Sandiego (hopefully, a bad soothsayer)