Side Effects

by Victor David Sandiego | Created: Sep 22, 2012

Side Effects

Photo by on Unsplash

So, I’m watching a movie on Hulu the other night and since they’ve gotten very good at making sure that ad blockers don’t work, I get to see the usual bunch o adverts for cars, cell phone plans, celebrity sightings, and my all time favorite: psychotropic medications.

I guess they’re running out of kids because now we’ve got ADHD meds for adults, too. But don’t worry. The pharmaceutical companies that make them assure us that it’s a real disorder. As in, not made up. They tell you that just in case you were wondering. You know, just in case you thought they might be pushing their goods only for the bucks involved. Don’t worry. Because it’s real disorder, it proves that they have an altruistic desire to sooth the anxieties of the world with a cool cloth.

Watching these adverts is educational. I’ve learned that these drugs don’t do the following:

  • Help walk the dog
  • Wash the car
  • Dry the dishes
  • Answer the telephone
  • Put the laundry away

They only help with ADHD. Nothing else. Well, that’s what the guy says in the advert and I admit I’m a little disappointed because sometimes I wish didn’t have to bring the towels in and fold them myself.

But that’s not the funny part. After the guy stands around for a few seconds in his modern apartment and describes how well managed his life is now, they turn the advert over to a doctor-looking actor who comes on screen with some excellent doctorish advice. Don’t forget, she says. This stuff has a risk of abuse or dependence. Keep it in a safe place. Selling or sharing this stuff may harm others and (look out!) is illegal. This stuff may cause sudden death or at the very least, serious heart problems. And that’s not all. You (*cough*) might experience:

  • Increased blood pressure
  • Shortness of breath
  • Fainting
  • Hearing voices (well, that's okay)
  • Believing things that are not true (I'm pretty sure this happens anyway)
  • Being suspicious
  • New manic symptoms!!
  • Seizures
  • Blurred vision
  • Anxiety
  • Tics

Also, don’t forget: decreased appetite, diarrhea, dizziness, dry mouth, irritability, loss of appetite, nausea, trouble sleeping, upper stomach pain, vomiting, weight loss, chest pain, aggressive behavior or hostility. It takes twice as long to say what's wrong with this stuff than what it's good for.

So, remind me why people buy this stuff, again?