Greatest Movie Ever!

by Victor D. Sandiego ● Created: Sep 21, 2012 ● Word count: 453

Wow! Badlanders (aka Prison Planet in some releases) is the greatest movie ever made! Seriously! But not for the usual reasons.

Not because it has great acting. It doesn’t. This is the worst acting ever. Terrible, amateurish acting throughout. The guy lying in the road calling for help is one pitiful example and of course the head-honcho baddie (Michael M. Foley) who delivers every line through clenched teeth like he has a rabid badger in his pants is another. But whew… I’m happy he finished the movie without having a stroke.

Dialog? What a hoot. “Welcome to hell!” not once, but twice! But to be fair, it was two different people in two different places so I guess it’s two different hells and they probably thought it was such a killer line that they should slay the audience with it once more and.. oh never mind.

Verisimilitude? Well, let’s see… this is a barren desolate planet where the evil king exiles prisoners (hence the title “Prison Planet”) but is the king really evil? I mean, really evil like everybody says? I don’t think so. He’s actually a pretty thoughtful guy. Check it out: as a notorious criminal in exile on a desolate planet, you get some cars, gasoline, guns, bullets and (my favorite!) large industrial power lines to drive under on the way through the wastelands.

Oh, and let’s not forget  the tiny spaceship made from a painted-over Burger King box flying through the air on a string and the awesome way they show you how to escape from bad guys in a car by jumping up from the hill you’re hiding behind and running out into the road the car’s on.

But why is this the greatest movie ever? First, you have to watch the whole thing. But WARNING: be careful of your dosages. Watch maybe 10 or 12 minutes and then take a break. Rest your eyes before starting again. Wear a helmet at all times. Make sure you let somebody know what you’re doing.

With those few precautions, you should be fine. And don’t worry: when you’re done, it’s normal for your brain to feel like it’s on fire. It should pass in a day or two. And then you’ll be glad you saw this burning barrel of trash. Because after Prison Planet, you will never ever have to watch a worse movie. If you live to be 100, it doesn’t matter. The worst possible film in the history of film-making is behind you!

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